You might not identify with all the lies we’re going to explore here, but there will be one or two that ring true. Take it and replace it with its truth. The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves. ― Bessel A. van der Kolk
Here are 7 solid truths that can set a woman free from lies she believes:
Lie #1: Marriage Is Forever
Love isn’t as constant as we’d like to believe. It evolves, mellows, and expands continuously. What you felt about your lover when you got hitched isn’t how you’ll always feel, at least for most women. Some who got married at eighteen barely knew themselves, much less the person they are meant to live with forever. As they evolve, it becomes clear that their spouses and the direction of their lives aren’t what they truly want. Many women settle for an unfulfilling life for years, but the incessant itch for another possibility for their lives never goes away. The truth is that you can never fake the truth that sits in your core. It’ll always push to come out. Your husband might be a wonderful man, and staying with him while wishing you weren’t isn’t love for you or him. The Truth: You can be married to a good man and still leave him. An ethical life is one that allows you to see and live in your core truth even if other truths run together with it. Honor your core truth. Set everyone free. Find the love you crave and create the space for him to find the love he deserves. RELATED: How To Believe In Yourself & Stop The Self-Sabotaging Effects Of Negative Self-Talk
Lie #2: My Bodily Insecurities Determine How Much Love I Can Experience
Looks matter, and they don’t. Inner beauty trumps outer beauty any day. Yet, on the other hand, physical attraction gives you an extra advantage in life. That’s the reality of the world we live in. There are professions where looks matter so much that you can’t get your foot in if you don’t look a certain way. This complicated reality triggers massive insecurities in all of us. But if anyone feels the burn of bodily insecurities, it’s the woman. We crave flatter tummies, firmer teats, fuller lips, and wider bums. Only 57% of middle-aged women are satisfied with their bodies, with ten million women feeling depressed because of the way they look. Women seeking love at an older age struggle because they don’t believe they can find men who can love them with the state of their bodies. The Truth: The men worth loving understand the nature of a woman’s body and are the ones who matter. You don’t need anyone who thinks you should reverse biology. Besides, guys struggle with their insecurities; they don’t dwell on them. The secret is to embrace your body while still pursuing your romantic desires. No matter how withered your body is, the stretchmarks you bear, and the loose skin that attaches itself to your frame, you’re still in the game.
LIE #3: I Don’t Have What It Takes
There will always be more intelligent, successful, confident, popular, and organized people than you. It’s easy to focus on how extraordinary their lives are and highlight the faults with your own life. This is where most women go wrong. They can’t put themselves in the proper perspective as long as they view their lives with the lenses of comparison. You’ve most likely heard this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison, the thief of joy.” Comparison takes the joy away because it makes you label yourself. This “identity” encases you in a cocoon where you believe you can only go so far. Today, we’re bringing that damn wall down. There’s no reason good enough to explain why some have it easy while others don’t, and there need not be because it doesn’t matter. Your mandate is to maximize what you’ve been given, which you can only discover when you shift the focus from others to yourself. The Truth: Every stroke of fate, every challenge, every difficulty can open your mind to realities you’re not aware of and develop self-belief in your capabilities. Your life’s journey is yours alone. Learn to love, live and embrace it. RELATED: 15 Things You Can Do To Improve Your Self-Esteem (That Can Be Done Anywhere)
Lie #4: I Have To Birth My Own Children To Feel Like a Real Woman
A friend had been through two failed IVFs over a decade when she finally conceived. An hour after welcoming her little bundle of joy, she breathed her last. “I’d give anything to have a baby.” She’d said to me two years before her death. Her struggles with infertility were so deep they affected her mental health. This superbly awesome girl never felt adequate or woman enough for years because her body couldn’t birth children. It’s time to decimate the idea that the inability to birth children makes one less of a woman. The Truth: A woman is special because she is — kids or not. There are plenty of mothers out there who hate their lives, are depressed, and can’t mother their children. There’s no judgment here. But I feel that motherhood isn’t a predictor of a woman’s significance or value by any means.
Lie#5: If I Say “NO,” I’ll Seem Ungrateful or Unloving
No one grows up alone. We’re shaped by, cared for, and mentored by those who surround us. While it’s a good thing to have people to look up to, sometimes, these relationships can turn into emotional traps when we’re unable to say NO. Because a woman’s nature is to nurture, we tend to keep relationships intact. And yet, some ties aren’t only unhealthy, they become cycles that keep us chained to the same struggles we fight to overcome. I read a story about a woman who couldn’t tell her mother she didn’t like the distasteful manner she spoke to her because she didn’t want to seem disrespectful. Years down the line, she continued to resent her mother while harboring low self-esteem. This is a classic example of how people close to us give with one hand and take away with the other. It’s where boundaries come in. It’s where saying NO becomes paramount. The Truth: It’s absolutely okay to decide what, how and who you can and can’t live with. It’s perfectly okay to establish new rules of engagement moving forward. It’s totally okay to limit the negative impact of people in your life. And you can only do this by learning to say NO. NO is the power of a lady boss. Use it. RELATED: 7 Simple Ways To Boost Your Self-Confidence And Feel Better
Lie #6: If I Don’t Take Initiative, Everything Will Fall to Pieces
Being married doesn’t mean one becomes a doormat. Sure, we love the men in our lives, but we still have to hold ourselves to the same high standards we did when we first met them. In her book, Becoming, Michelle Obama narrates how she felt her husband wasn’t pulling his weight in domestic affairs. She’d be home waiting by the dinner table while he was at the gym or minding his business. She’s not alone in this. Women find themselves more devoted to the responsibilities of the home than their hubbies. They feel that if they fail to pick up the slack, everything will fall to pieces. For the most part, this is true, but I believe it need not be the case. Your emotional, psychological and physical well-being matters as much as your mister’s, but it’s up to you to reinforce this. If you’re always taking the initiative, your dude will likely continue to be passive. The Truth: No one will die if dinner isn’t steaming hot at six-thirty because you had to go for yoga or read a few pages of your favorite book. Channel your proactive energy towards looking after yourself first. You matter too.
Lie #7: Submitting to My Husband Makes Me Inferior
Oh, how we struggle with this. Because the woman is more attuned to her feelings, she can trust and depend on her intuition. Meaning, it’s hard to let go of her convictions and allow her man to take over the steering wheel. It’s why the term submission has been given a bad rep and probably why I’m going to take a lot of heat for suggesting that women become submissive. The reality is that submission doesn’t have to be daunting if we see it for what it is. Often when I submit to my mister — which can be hard at times — I see an angle I hadn’t seen before. Of course, other times, I’m left wishing I’d stuck to my guns, but oh well… The Truth: Submission isn’t allowing your man to control you. It doesn’t mean you’re not free to state your own view of things. It means you’re willing to recognize that your ideas aren’t always the best and welcome another perspective. It’s merely incorporating better judgment before making decisions so that it’s a win-win for both of you. Submission doesn’t make you inferior; it makes you a better partner and enhances intimacy. The beauty of truth: whether it is bad or good, it is liberating. — Paulo Coelho Leah Njoki is a writer who has been featured in Medium, Ladders, The Good Men Project, Towards Data Science, and more. Follow her website. This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.
